Some Thoughts on Collective Codependency

Codependency is an area of healing I did a lot of work around well over a year ago, but I'm noticing a collective uprising in awareness around this topic right now. In the past two weeks alone I've done tarot readings and coaching sessions with multiple people who have displayed some codependent tendencies they're working through. So even though I've spoken much about it in the past, it feels relevant to do a deep dive again today.

Codependency is such a pervasive issue in our society that nearly all of us are entangled in at least one relationship with these tendencies, and many of us aren't willing to identify the unhealthy aspects of our codependency because it is so normalized. The word "codependency" is actually a part of the problem, in my opinion, because it's so often mis-defined, or incorrectly used. Many believe "codependency" means we rely on someone else wholeheartedly; that we're attached at the hip, and can't do anything on our own. They think codependency is simply synonymous with having an anxious attachment style, and while that certainly can be a piece of it, I think "control" is a pretty large piece of this puzzle as well.

Codependency is defined via google as, "Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction." We should first and foremost acknowledge that codependency exists on a spectrum, and we will all fluctuate in and out of these patterns to some extent throughout our life. Simply for being born you have existed in a codependent relationship (and if you choose to have children you will again participate in a relationship that is by nature codependent - children rely on their parents [or a present adult] for survival - they are dependent). If you've ever cared longterm for a sick parent, sibling, partner, child or even friend you've participated in these relationships as well (they are dependent). If you're someone who works in a "help field" of any kind (teaching, nursing, elderly care, emergency response, etc) you've likely faced codependent situations in your career (because the people you help are dependent on you). So you see, the person who is reliant isn't the co-dependent one, they're the dependent. The codependent is the person or people who are in control, or perceived control. It is the person who wants to "help" or "fix" or control, the dependent party. A major aspect (that's often left out of the definition) of codependency is control. It's the need to be needed. What's also left out is that the reliance on someone else, or these relationships, stems from a feeling of incompleteness or insecurity of ourself.

In "Codependent No More," a bestselling and really incredible book by Melody Beattie she says, "Some professionals say codependency isn't a disease, it's a normal reaction to abnormal people. Other Professionals say codependency is a disease; its a chronic, progressive illness. The suggest codependents want and need sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way." She goes on to say, and I agree, that the latter belief feels harsh. There may be some really extreme, far end of the spectrum, codependents who seek out unhealthily dependent relationships over and over because they want to, but many of us don't do it on purpose. We want to get better, and set boundaries, and heal our unhealthy patterns. We want healthier, happier, more secure relationships.

As I've mentioned codependency can happen in just about any kind of relationship, but lets be clear the most common codependent relationships are that of a child and parent, or partners, and often (almost always) the unhealthy patterns of codependency are more present in relationships where there is addiction of any kind or a serious illness. The addiction or illness is the catalyst for making what would normally be close, secure, attachment, unhealthy. And if you grew up in a household that had severe illness or addiction of any kind present, you are more likely to engage in codependent tendencies with any (or all) of your other relationships. Children of chemically or medically dependent people began adopting the "purpose" of caring for the adults around them at an earlier age than others. AKA they had to be in control because the person who was supposed to be was unable to, sometimes always.

Now again, let's be clear: there is nothing wrong with, or unhealthy about, needing a partner sometimes, or enjoying being needed by them. As human beings we are hardwired to crave deep, mutual, human connection, which involves "give and take." In fact some of the healthiest relationships on the planet involve an immense amount of filling each others cups. It is when we neglect our own cup's needs, again and again, to fill someone else's (who may not have even asked for us to fill it).

So, if you recognize that you have a need to control, help, or fix people to an excessive standard, the first step in moving forward is acknowledging that you're neglecting your own cup. As a human being we HAVE to be able to look inward, and acknowledge what we need, and then give it to ourselves. Many codependents get frustrated when others don't "show up" for them the same way they do for others, but we must accept that if we're giving, giving, giving, even when no one asked us to - that is an "us" problem, not "them." Even if you have been asked for help, we are responsible for setting our own limits and boundaries, and need to be able to recognize when too much is too much, and then step away to tend to ourselves.

It sounds a lot easier and more fun than it actually is, because "filling our own cup," doesn't just mean getting a massage, or taking a nap, or whatever other BS ~self-care~ trend is popular. It means seeing ourself deeply enough to understand what we need, and WHY we harbor so much need for control. We must begin by remembering the moments we felt out of control, and healing those moments; soothing the inner child, going to therapy, journaling our feelings, and connecting with our body. The work of "healing codependency" is so much deeper than is seems, and it's rooted in the truth that we are not actually as in control as we think. We actually may be the person who needs help and fixing, instead of everyone we try to fix and help.

If you're still reading and you believe yourself to be a codependent person, and would like to get better, I'd like to offer three action steps toward recovery.

1. Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie - there are many books on this subject, but this one is highly regarded as perhaps the best.

2. Begin defining and keeping track of the moments you find yourself attempting to control others, by gaining awareness of when you do it you will be in a better position to redirect and focus on yourself/healing the patterns.

3. Book a coaching session with me - I have developed an entire course on this topic and know from personal experience how challenging this work can be; having a soundboard and mentor through the process will help immensely.

I would love to chat with anyone who feels called to discuss this subject or anything else that comes to mind. I am available for podcasts, interviews, 1:1 coaching, partner coaching, and even casual conversation - email spiritcoachmalana@gmail.com with your thoughts.

Bliss is on the way - Namaste