Shame, Sexuality, and the Sacral Chakra

Last week I hosted two online sisterhood circles about shame, sexuality, and the sacral chakra, and it was (if I do say so myself) very healing for myself and the attendees. I'm still thinking about the conversations we had, over a week later, so I want to continue the conversation here because there's SO much to unpack around these topics.

Sex in many ways is still a very taboo topic; even with media and social media "normalization" (I have that in quotes because I don't know that we've actually normalized healthy sexuality, but we definitely seem to have normalized nudity - particularly women's nudity). Collectively, the sacral chakra, is a very imbalanced energy center. This is a super big topic, with lots of different branches - all of which could be discussed at length. I would, by no means, call this blog a definitive explanation of shame, sexuality, or the sacral chakra. Everyone's experience is their own. Many feel very liberated, free, and open with their sexuality and sexual power, and others feel small, silent, and closed off from it. Ideally we want balance in this area (like all energy centers). The sacral chakra isn't just about sexuality and sensuality. It's also about creativity and our inner child. It's about feeling, expressing, and playing. Sex is supposed to be fun; it's supposed to be playful, and joyous, and loving. It should make us feel more deeply connected to those we participate with. But all of the fun, positive, elements of this sacred energy are often clouded by the pain, shame, and trauma that is endured here.

For me, sexuality and spirituality have gone hand in hand for a long time. Some of the most empowered moments of my life (as well as disempowered moments) have been during sexually intimate situations. I'm likely not alone in that. For some people, combining the ideas of spiritually and sexuality is hard to understand. Especially when so many of us grew up in, or around, a church (catholic, muslim, christian, mormon, etc) that may have shamed sexuality loud and often. We may have been taught that we have to remain "pure" until marriage, and/or that having a personal connection with our own bodies (masturbation) was a "sin." Of course every church and religion is different, but generally speaking, it was taught that God did not approve of sexual acts or intimate pleasures, except for heterosexual people, with the purpose of procreating with your spouse. Religious shaming around natural sexual urges is, in my opinion, one of the biggest aspects of collective healing we have to do as a society. I can't tell you how many women (and men) that I've spoken with who have issues in their consensual, adult, sometimes married, sex lives, because of shaming and programming from their church as children.

Think about it, let's say you're like 7-10 years old (perhaps younger) and you start getting curious about your body. Maybe you touch yourself and realize it feels good, or god forbid, someone else touches you and maybe it doesn't feel good. You have questions, so maybe you ask a trusted adult and they shame you for it, or tell you that you can't talk about until you're older. Or maybe an adult already told you that you're not allowed to tell anyone about it because you'll get in trouble. Perhaps you also attend a church service or youth group where the leader, someone you identify as being the ~closest thing to God~ tells you that it's dirty, wrong, and sinful to have sexual thoughts or urges. That you'll burn in the internal fires of hell if you have sex before marriage. That you must confess to them if you've ever touched yourself and that's the only way God will forgive you. And this isn't even getting into the fact that many people's sexual abusers come from within the church.

It's all pretty fucking horrible when we read it now and think about that, isn't it? But many of us lived it, and it still continues today. This isn't intended to be a "hate blog" to religion. But organized religion does play a large part in the shaming of sexuality, and the diminishing of the sacral chakra's power.

I've heard, "I can't get over the fact that it feels 'wrong' to have sex. Like it's dirty and sinful, even though I know logically that it isn't."

I've heard, "My youth group leader made me describe, in detail, how I'd touched myself, and how often, and then promise that I wouldn't do it again. He said if I did do it again, I would need to keep coming to him and confessing, in order to be accepted by God." (Let's all say it together: fucking pervert).

I've heard, "I shut down and tense up as soon as things become sexual, even though I am horny and I do want to, it's just hard for me to feel comfortable."

Perhaps you too, don't feel as comfortable or empowered in your sexuality, (or your feelings) as you might like to. Unfortunately it's very normal, and it's not just the church, or religion to blame. Another very common thing I hear from friends and clients (and understand) is that education about our body, sex, and consent was not adequately provided to us. It certainly can be an awkward conversation that perhaps a lot of parents, guardians, and teachers put off because it's uncomfortable. But when we're curious, we find a way to learn; and we can likely all agree that when things are sheltered or hidden from us, our curiosity usually intensifies. I personally know many people who viewed and "learned from" pornography at a young age. For millennials and younger we've had access to the internet since we could spell/read, and for the older generations there were magazines, and VHS tapes. Not only does pornographic material literally, scientifically harm your brain (google grey matter and porn if you're curious), but it also depicts unrealistic, over-the-top, and often harmful or abusive material. If the consumer of such happens to be young, or inexperienced, they may often not realize that, and instead think, "This is how it's supposed to be," or "This is OK." You can see where some issues might arise if and when they then decide to apply their knowledge in real life...

Which leads me to this: We have an epidemic of sexual assault in our world. We were all slapped in the face with that reality during the "me too" movement several years ago (if not sooner). My belief is that part of the issue is that consent is not taught properly at a young age. Consent should be a full blown, "Fuck yes," not a, "I don't know. Maybe we should wait." If someone is incapacitated, they cannot give consent. For me personally, when I was in high school and college, I met a lot of men who "pushed" the issue, or used coercion to try and get what they wanted. To the point of seemingly not understanding what the word "no" meant. No is often met with, "Oh come on," or "Are you sure? You invited me over..." Is this an issue? Absolutely. But I actually don't think boys (or girls, this isn't a specific gender situation but I'm going to use men as the imaginary assailants here because statistically that's accurate) are always entirely to blame - if they're ignorant or lacking proper education on the matter. What I mean is, if you've been led to believe that you're supposed to "lead" or initiate sexual experiences then you might be a little pushier than is healthy or acceptable. You might even try to be "rough" because you think that'll be "hot." If you've been raised in a society (ours) where men are seen as cool, popular, strong, and powerful for having a lot of sexual partners, or desires, then you may seek that path even if it's disingenuous to how you actually feel. I am in no way insinuating that we give a "pass" to sexual abusers, but I think it's important to acknowledge that many men (boys), and women (girls) may have crossed lines unknowingly. They may have been unsure, or insecure in their sexuality, and simply mimicking what's been modeled to them (by pornography, or perhaps abusive older people in their life).

This wouldn't be a complete conversation without acknowledging that there are underlying social norms for the genders related to sex, and those "norms" are actually spiritually damaging. Like, to our souls. If women or girls sleep around, they're called "whores" or "sluts" but if men or boys do it they're "desirable" or "powerful." The spiritual issue here is that a women's womb, and orgasm, is very powerful. Connecting to this power in a sacred way is highly energizing for women, and helps them connect deeply to their intuition and strength (which is why, I believe, it was systematically shamed and demonized over time, in order to support patriarchal norms, and keep women "meek"). For men, their orgasm is sacred and powerful as well, though it is less energizing, and can be more draining. Their "seed," is considered life force energy, so to "spill" it often, and without regard to who and how, can actually be detrimental to their overall spiritual health. This imbalance: hypersexulized masculinity and shamed feminine sexuality, is contributing to the overall imbalances of our world. You may be thinking, "What about the plethora of sexual female images on social media, and tv and film? We almost never see male nudity, but we often see female nudity. How are they the ones shamed?" And to that I'd say: the women who are empowered by their bodies and sexuality, and choose to share it with the "public" are still shamed by many, gawked at and disrespected by many others, and yes, seen in their divine power by many as well. It's a very mixed bag, which is part of what informs my opinion that sexually liberated women are pow-er-ful. The lack of (or at least highly disproportionate) male nudity and sexual exploitation further goes to presume that women aren't interested in sex, and/or do not have the same levels of lust as men. This further insinuates that women are able to control their desires, while men are not. Which I think is highly unfair to the male population, and highly presumptuous of the female population.

As I said above, this is by no means a definitive discussion of this topic. In fact we are hardly scratching the surface here, but I think that going on and on can sometimes just further traumatize us. What we need are actual practices and tools to begin to work through this programming. Whether we realize it deeply or not, we have all been systematically hardwired by society to live within the lines of "acceptable" sexuality. Even I, a pansexual woman, who has dated nearly every gender that exists, didn't even touch on the collective shame that the LGBTQ+ community specifically faces. I pretty much stuck to heteronormative examples in this blog, and there's still so much there. Perhaps we continue this conversation ~gay edition~ soon, but for now I want to leave you with some ways to start working through this issue within yourself, if that feels good.

1. Journal - free write about your thoughts after reading this. Think about times in your childhood when "innocence" was lost. Think about times when people may have stifled your creativity. Think about any "sexual awakenings" or defining moments you may have had. Then journal about how those moments effected the rest of your life. Write about what makes you feel ashamed of yourself, and why you're hard on yourself about it. Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, and perhaps even other people who may have wronged or shamed you at some point (if you're ready to forgive, don't force it).

2. Move your body - Dance. Run. Lift weights. Do yoga. Shake around like you're having a seizure. It sounds silly but we have to move the energy through. These patterns and traumas are stored in our body and we must release them through movement.

3. Speak to a professional - perhaps this is a therapist, perhaps this is a coach of some kind. Having an unbiased ear to witness your feelings can be so beneficial for processing, integrating, and balancing your energy.

4. Masturbate or try something new with your partner - open up the door to creativity and playfulness in your bedroom! With yourself, or someone else that you trust. Honor your body and energy by sharing intimate moments only with people who deeply respect and listen to you.

5. Bodywork - this could be a massage therapist, reiki master, personal trainer, chiropractor, or even a physical therapist. It could be self or partner massage. Touch, from another human being, which is not sexual in nature, but beneficial to health, can be so transformative in learning to trust other people with the care of your body.

I would love to discuss this further with anyone who feels inspired to. You can email me at spiritcoachmalana@gmail.com or DM @malanabradford on instagram.

~Your growth and peace are within reach~