Coming Full Circle

For the longest time, I occupied my mind with the thought, "What's next?" and often, "Where next?" This thought pattern had me moving from Kansas City, to Cape Girardeau, to St. Louis, back to Cape, then to Arizona, to Texas, and now back to Kansas City. I guess you could say, I've come full circle. I always said, "I don't want to live long term in KC, it's just not my ~vibe~" but looking back, I see that was somewhat of a trauma response and limitation I placed on myself. It was a push away from the "conventional." It should have been a blatant invitation to do some inner healing (it eventually was). But Kansas City felt like it represented "settling." And that word was perhaps the most repulsive word in the English language for me.

For many people, where they grew up feels like home forever, for me it felt like hell. And that's not even to say I had a "bad" childhood. I didn't. But I always wanted to go away. (I am now able to point the finger at a lot of "adolescent healing" I had to do. My teenage years weren't super fun or very healthy. I look back and realize that the high school environment I was in, was toxic. It's no one's fault necessarily, but as I've grown and learned about trauma and toxicity, I've come to see how "bad" my school and community actually were). So, the further I could go, the better. I went as far as possible (while still being in-state) for college as I could. I dreamt of the peace corps (still do) and living across the world. I dreamt of teaching abroad (still do). I dreamt of living off the grid, in a tent in a forrest somewhere (still do). But what I've come to realize is: my ego is what kept pushing me away from what I considered to be a "conventional life." My ego painted "stability" and even "routine" in a negative light. My ego decided, "You will be 'cooler' or 'better' if you live somewhere else and do things other people don't do." I rejected the idea of marriage and motherhood like it was the plague. I rejected the idea of a mortgage or corporate career. I lived for the unexpected, and exciting. The newness of things. The turning of a corner, and the shock of what could be waiting for me there. I suppose, in a way, this is super representative of my Sagittarius Sun, and I definitely still have some of this in me. But, I've come to decide, that lifestyle and drive to always be in search of something new, is a bit draining. It is not the first or likely last "ego death" I've experienced, but it is the most current one I've shifted through. And so, I find myself settling (for the time being, and foreseeable future) in Kansas City, and I'm excited about it.

I find myself being drawn to, and wanting, things I used to heavily reject. (Hello Saturn return). I accept that my path is unfolding, and what is meant for me, will be, so I'm not pushing for anything in particular, but I am excited to be turning a corner in my healing journey. I am excited to have released judgements I used to hold toward people who did, so willingly, accept "conventional life." It has been a pretty recent revelation to me (I'm almost embarrassed to admit) that not everyone wants to do wild, "extraordinary" things with their life, and it is not my job to push them to do so. If they're not ready and willing for that growth, my push toward it will do nothing more than create resentment and negativity. Expansion and seeking to obtain the highest potential was my default for a long time, and it's been tough for me to release that. To accept that many, many people (including myself, now) are comfortable with things "as they are." Embracing a more "simplistic" life is not only OK, but it's incredibly beautiful.

As a personal growth and spiritual healing coach, I, of course, still love to help push people to their highest potential. I love to dive and dig deep with people to explore their shadows, and discover where healing, growth, and expansion are possible. I love to witness breakthroughs, and hold or uplift people during their lows. But I've learned that I am not always a coach, and many people in my life do not want my presence in that way. They don't want me to be their coach or healer, they simply want me to be their partner, friend, or daughter, and that's not an insult to me or my work. It's an acknowledgement that every person is on their own journey, and no two people's journeys look the exact same. It's an acknowledgment that I don't have to wonder, "What's next?" so often. I can instead, sit in a local coffee shop, near the apartment I signed a year long lease for (contracts like leases were always big NO's for me, as they felt restricting, which is a whole thing we could go into, but won't right now lol), and think, "Right now is pretty good just as it is." And that might sound pretty obvious to some, but for me, that has been a looping lesson. I may travel this cycle again at some point, but right now, it feels complete.