An Invitation to Go Deeper

The roller coaster of life doesn't let anyone sit out. No matter who you are, what you do, how much you "heal," or any other circumstance imaginable, you will get slapped in the face with low lows, and feel butterfly inducing highs. Always. Back and forth. It is the cycle of life.

With that said I, and many others, (maybe you) have been going through a period of lows. For me, there has been family drama, health scares, financial instability, moving, questioning, and a lot of "worthiness work." And maybe I'm being dramatic for adding this, but it's also so. fucking. hot. outside.

Surely not everyone has gone through the same things, but it does feel like we're all going through some things. Considering what I do (breathwork, yoga, reiki, meditation, etc) I have tools and resources to guide myself through the anxious and hard times, but the past couple weeks I found myself avoiding the practices I know make me feel better. I even said to my partner one night while sobbing, "I don't want to do anymore deep fucking breathing, I'm over it." To be honest, at several points I had pretty much decided I was ready to quit this business, quit this city, and quit some of my previously established dreams/goals (aka give up on myself). There were moments when I was throwing a pity party, plain and simple. And even though I honor my emotions and see them as valid, I definitely was playing into drama and old patterns at various points. But last night I had a bit of an epiphany, and let me first say, it came after some deep breaths and a 20 minute meditation (which is just a small plug for the practices that I was "over" for weeks before this lol). The epiphany was (like most are) not actually a "big thing" but more-so, a newfound understanding around something I already "knew." I had been given the invitation to go deeper. The days, or weeks, of heaviness and struggle I'd faced were in fact deepening my understanding and capacity to love. I was being initiated, through grief and fear, to take my faith, strength, and power to the next level.

During the meditation I quite literally felt the frequency of my body change; I felt a "pop" in my heart space, as though it was cracking open so it could grow larger. I started giggling to myself and shed a happy tear at the realization that I didn't want to quit anything, but rather deepen my connection to spirit, my community, and this business. To deepen my. connection with family, my partner, and my friends. To recommit to the goals and dreams, even though they're big and hard, because I know I am worthy of them (remember up top I talked about "worthiness work"). My brain and body began activating fight or flight mode as a way to protect me from the unknown. Imposter syndrome began telling me I should give up, that what hasn't been working, must mean I'm not capable or good enough. The truth though, which thankfully came through during this meditation, was that "what's not working" doesn't mean quit, it means pivot. It means change directions and try again. It means, for me, what I often coach and mentor other people through, accepting that there will always be "failures" and the failures teach us how to succeed. There will always be misunderstandings, and those misunderstandings teach us how to communicate better. There will always be a new curveball, and the more we dodge the more attuned we become to them.

Through the acceptance of struggle, and the compounding stressors of work, family, partnership, and health, I alchemized pain into power. I feel really fucking powerful right now. We all have this capability. The pain is an invitation to go deeper. We can fight it, resist, push back, play the victim, crumble and give up, (again, all things I did or nearly did) or we can feel it, listen to it, take it's advice, and use it as a lesson plan on how to grow.

I am so beyond thankful to have good people in my life, close to me, and also virtually through the internet and social media connections. I was able to lean on my people during my bout of lows, and now I feel more invigorated than ever to hold space for others experiencing heaviness too. No one is exempt from pain, but that doesn't mean you have to hold it all yourself. We don't have to be too proud to admit we need help. We shouldn't assume others have "their own stuff" so they're not willing to hear about ours (though we should absolutely always respect boundaries, others and our own). This experience on earth is collective as much as it is individual. Please each out if you want or need support.

~Namaste~