My Favorite Coping Mechanism for Death and Grieving

I've gotten into the practice of writing letters to the dead. Thankfully, this isn't a daily, or even weekly practice, but it does seem like lately I've had to write more letters than usual. Death, or I should say loss, is all around us. It always has been, but especially now, (with a pandemic and the collective stress of this year). It seems like everywhere I look, people are grieving, and not always an actual death. Many are grieving old relationships that have ended, or a job they've lost, or something else entirely. But many are also grieving physical, literal, death of a loved one.

Personally, I've not yet lost parents, a child, partner, siblings, or someone else very close to me, which I'm grateful for. I'm sure when I lose someone like that, my thoughts and practices around death will evolve even more, because those losses are, in my opinion, the most tragic. But I've lost many grandparents, friends, parents of very close friends & partners, and pets. Through my losses, I've developed a coping mechanism of writing letters to the people who have passed on, and it's very helpful.

So, what I do is, very soon after I hear about the passing of someone, I sit down and write them a letter. It doesn't even matter how close to them I was, I write the letter. This process not only helps me process the loss, but it's also helped me develop a really healthy acceptance of death, and refine my beliefs around what happens to us after we leave here. This practice has helped diminish almost all fear I once had around the topic of death, which is why I feel inclined to share it now.

It should be noted: There is no "correct" way to grieve. Every loss is personal and nuanced, so there's really no way to discuss how to best heal, but many of us cope in similar ways.

If absolute sorrow for years and years, maybe even leading into substance abuse as self-medication, is (or has been) your coping mechanism that is OK.

If denial, even to the point of delusion, is (or has been) your coping mechanism that is OK.

If moving on, even as quickly as others may perceive as "cold-hearted," is (or has been) your coping mechanism that is OK.

If obsession and over-sharing about the loss, to the point of making others uncomfortable, is (or has been) your coping mechanism that is OK.

Whatever you do, or have done, to make it through the loss of someone you love, is OK.

There is no "should" with death. There is no "should" with grieving.

However, if you're looking for something to try, to help process loss, this is what I do. Sit down with a glass of wine, or a joint, or whatever you need to get comfortable. Accept that you're going to probably be crying a lot, so give yourself the time and space to do that (don't try to write the letter during your lunch break at work, or something like that). Address the letter to the person (or thing) you're grieving, and let it flow. Everything is valid. All emotions and thoughts are OK.

Like I said, I usually write this letter pretty soon after someone passes, but you definitely could write one to someone who passed long ago. Normally, I only write one letter but you could, of course, write a series of letters, or use this as a continued way to talk with them. I'm sure if and when I lose a parent or partner, my letter writing will become more frequent. Again, there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to do this.

Something I've personally realized through doing this often though, is that "forgiveness" has the capability of being the twin sibling of death. What I mean by that is, death and forgiveness go together like cheese and fine wine, if you let them. Now, cheese and wine, for me, can certainly upset my stomach, so I'm not suggesting that forgiveness and death are an easy to digest combination, but if you're willing to try, you might find that they pair really well.

What I do, in my letters, is begin by getting anything immediately out that I need to: "I miss you. This fucking sucks that you're gone. I'm pissed that you left me here to handle things on my own. I love you so much, I'm not sure how life will ever be the same. Etc." Then, ask yourself if you feel any guilt around this person or loss. Maybe you had kind of been blowing them off lately and you feel some guilt for that, or you feel bad for being angry at them for dying. Maybe you feel mad at God, or The Universe, for taking them, and now you feel guilt for that. Forgive yourself, for everything. In the letter even. Write down, "I forgive myself for the way that I treated you," or whatever comes out. "I forgive myself for the ways that I've coped with your death."

Next, forgive the person who has died, or left. Write down, "I forgive you for the things you did to me," and don't be afraid to get specific. Take as many pages to do this as you need to. It will likely get really emotional too, don't let that stop you. Almost every human relationship is composed of joy and pain, it's okay if you've both hurt each other. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, and them.

My belief is that the soul of someone who has passed, is somewhere else entirely. They're in another world; maybe that's heaven, maybe that's another dimension, or maybe their soul is already in another reincarnated body. Regardless, they cannot be hurt by your words, so get out whatever you need to. Say all the things you wanted to but never did. Say all the things that come to mind. Don't judge yourself for anything. Their soul, if it is able to read or hear your letter, will have nothing but love and understanding for whatever you have to say.

I'm sure these letters are not a "unique-to-me" practice, but they certainly have helped me. I hope by sharing this, I help even one person with some of their own grief.

~Your growth and peace are within reach~